Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
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That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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