i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
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I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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