Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
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My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
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It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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