Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
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I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
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I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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