somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
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Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
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Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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