i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
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He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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