I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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