So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
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