this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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