I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
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He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
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I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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