His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
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I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
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I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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