Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
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He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
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URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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