My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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