My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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