Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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