This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize