my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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