hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
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It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
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I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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