my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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