I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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