true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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