remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
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Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
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In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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