the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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