I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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