Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
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Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm just crazy horny about you
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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