Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
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I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
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The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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