So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
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I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
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We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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