My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize