Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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