i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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