You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
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I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
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That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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