Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
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Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
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Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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