Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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