I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
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The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
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I need moral support for this bender
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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