it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
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Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
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In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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