grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
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theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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