She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
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And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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