You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
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