she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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