how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
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We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
May the power of my ass compel you!!
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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