I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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