John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
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If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
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Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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