I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
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