There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
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If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
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Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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