Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize