"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
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Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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