i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
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So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
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I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize