she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
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Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
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Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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