I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
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Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
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I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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