Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
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I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
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So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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